why

why i like u so much, but u seems don't understand me at all..
do u really know who i m?
yes, maybe now you think that im just a liar or im a girl that only waste money.
i know im super imperfect to you right now..
but why u dun know me as well as me?
i really want to stop listening your news.. but why ur news is everywhere?
i care so much about how u look at me..
i care so much what u think about me..
please, can u look at me for a second that im a girl that might like u?
hai.. i dun even know what i want..
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
what r u thinking about me? arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!
i really want to give up!!!im already trying my best to disappear in your life..
haizzzzzzzzzzzz..... but why?

cant sleep =(

cant fall asleep after katia and meji's message.
First.. Katia got a new breakthrough,
she stepped out her comfort zone n lead the caregroup.
Second, I finally confessed to taw2 and meji.
the two brothers that i really care.
thanks God, both of them are not mad at me.
But meji said,"STOP RUN AWAY."

Yes, I am running away.
I am running away from God's mercy.
I am running away from God's protection.
My heart still bleeds and I didn't take good care of it.
I am so tempting to go out with other unbelievers.
because I just dun want to stop hang out with people.

What should I do?
I already make the choice.
I throw the cross and run away.
I may end up like Judas,
I know I will go to hell.
No one can stop me to be myself anymore.

confess

this time..
i lied to every friends.
again, i dunno why i lied, maybe u guys know that better than me.

When u guys finally found out the truth,
i kept non-stop thinking that i want to just leave the church and all my friends.
i didn't think about confess to God or anyone or my family.
but then, God reminds me that he will bless everyone that follow Him.
No matter what I did, by God's grace, by Jesus blood, i got saved.
and im saved again. amin.
I should not run away.
I should not escape.
Instead I should face it without guilty.
Last night, I screamed, I cried.
I screamed to my sister why she has to call joy.
I shouted at her and blame her.
not because of I lied.
but because my lies is finally disclosed.
but because I am so scared to lose all my friends.

I am too comfortable to live with all the lies.
because of this lovely lies, i fell deeper and deeper.
there are so many times i just want to shout the truth,
but im scared. Im scared that i will lose everything.


after all the emotional feeling gone,
I just realised I am always stuck with all the people that I care.
I care how they look at me,
I care how they think about me.
I never care what God look at me n how God think about me.
At least, I finally can look at the mirror and see the ugly side of me.
I am glad that my big lies got poked.
and finally I got released by all the lies.
I am trapped in the devil's evil plan for so long.
and finally I can breathe with the truth.

No matter this time, how much trust I lost from all the people,
I gain back the biggest things ever.
I got my family and by God's grace, I am free.
I am still scared to face all the people that I lied.
But I believe God will lead me to the safest place.
and He won't let anything to hurt me.

I have done so many wrong things,
but I need to make the right decision.
Its too naive if I just run away from God like that.
I am still 20, (not yet 21 XD)
I still got a lot time to make it up.
Its not a big deal.
No matter how people think about me,
Jaye, be strong and you cant do it without God.

Finally.. all the scars are out.
maybe everyone are going to see how ugly is the scars.
but I believe one day the scars will get healed and I am not ashamed to live with these scars.

O Lord, hear my prayer.
As I am so unworthy to ask for your forgiveness,
O Lord, I lied to all my dear friends that put trust on me.
I gave fake testimonies that lead people think wrongly.
I am not a truthful witness.
But God, I confess to you and only you can help me out with this situations.
All of my friends can't put trust on me anymore,
My family hates me,
I feel ashamed to face all of them.
I struggled so much and cry out to you.
Do you still hear a sinner's prayer?
No matter what is going to happen after I step out the house,
I believe that I am being covered with your mercy and love.
I have nothing to ashamed of.
As no one can judge me after I am free from all the sins.
Father, I pray for wisdom when I face all my sisters' and family.
They still love me thats why they want to release me from all the lies.
They love me so that they don't want me to live as a liar.
All the old days are pasted, and all my sins are washed away.
Father, I pray for protection for all my family members n my sistas.
maybe they are still struggling how to correct me.
but Lord, let them have a joyful heart always.
don't let my sins to affect them.
Lord, I just want to be thankful to all you have done to me.
You are awesome, I am totally renewed.
I don't need to lie again and again because of the old lies.
I can totally throw away who I was and ask you who I am.
Father, Thankyou for all the sisterhood that you have given me in my life.
No matter they are going to forgive me or not,
I pray that they won't have bitterness in their heart to trust people.
I pray that they will still seek you when they have problems.
Lord, let me know what is the next step that I need to do.
As I just want to fulfilled your wills..
you have saved me from my darkest night.
thank you Jesus, Amin.

WWJD?

These two months..
is so hard for me.. everyday i looked at my cellphone..
and dunno what to do..
I wish I am born in a christian family.. so that I dun need to do these things..
but well.. I believe Jesus has the best plan for me..
I believe there is a better plan for me after I solve everything..
I have the hope.. that my family will get saved one day..
I dun want to think too negative about these..
I dunno how to control my emotional..
Everything seems getting worse..
The situation is not getting any better..
But God's solution still didn't show up..
I wonder if Mary didn't get saved.. What would Jesus do..?
It really hurt my heart deeply...
WWJD?

kangen naooo...

Recently, I really miss Nao..
Both of us used to go to gym together n
control each other not to eat..
and we hang out with indos together..
we never get bored even the indos are busy with talking themselves..
becoz we always have each other..

After nao is gone..
I feel lonely sometimes..
because I am alone and she is not here with me..
Before.. we are in the same battle..
when I got hurt, she helped me and comfort me..
when its her turn, I do the same thing..
we are the best partner..
always in the same boat..
n never let other one's hand go..
we always have each other..
but now.....


I need to fight by myself..
hope that I can survive..><
NAOOOOOO....><

UNtil it bleeds...

Man.. first I really thanks God for everyone in Edmonds..
Recently..
nope..
actually I was and I am a person that..
need people just point my fault and mistakes out,
and pinch it and when it really bleeds..
I will try my best to take care of it..


I know it is wired,
but I liternally like that,
Mannn..><
I just dun want to feel apathy anymore mannn..
hikkss..
now i really feel the needs of GOD's GRACE...
pleaseee lahhh God,,
DO SOMETHING!
DO SOMETHING to let me focus on you..
so I will no more fall in sin!
DO IT!
DO IT JAYE!
God still needs your commitment,
Are you willing to bear the cross and walk with him no matter what??


Better be alert and ready anytime..

thankful

Today is our PDL session..
and there are something happen about it..
anyway..
I am thankful.

Its not easy for me to say thankful becoz I am a person that not good at giving thanks..
Maybe its easy from my mouth, but not from my heart.
Oh well, people just need to learn..

I am so thankful becoz I got a wonderful conversation with axel.
We chatted for a long time in msn tonite..
wow.. there are no hiding secrets and the presence of GOD is there!
I am so amazed.. He has told me some weakness that I don't even realise its wrong.
Its all start from my mouth.. and we shared about our struggles and problems..
at last, we asked for each other's prayer needs and end the conversation..

I was so longing for inner circle conversations.
Because through that, I can learn alot, people can see my weakness
and they point it out because they hope that I can grow and become a better person.
I was keep praying that people can just tell me my weakness directly.
So I can keep moving onwards.
I don't want to scared to make mistakes, because no matter what, we make mistakes.
But through mistakes, we can choose to accept and learn from it,
or just ignore and stay the same..
It might be hurt when people point it out, but actually that's my prayer!
Actually I want God to tell me directly, so I don't need to guess..
unforunately, God didnt answer me...
God uses others to tell me.. thankyou tuhan!!! makasih tuhann!!!

I promise I will make a change! and I will keep reminding myself about it!
getting a new inner circle with my club...hurray!!!!

Fireproof

Today is really a emotional day for me.
Being so up and down..even the snow didnt bring me any happier.
bitterness, loneliness, insercure, negative thoughts are coming to my mind every minute.
I was keep thinking why these things are all happen to me.
As my laptop's charger is broken, I got nothing to do.
So I called Angel and we went to the gym together..
We got a great quality time there, afterwards, as the house is lack of tissue rolls..
We stopped by ablertson which is just two minutes far from my house,
and we grabbed a movie - "Fireproof".. which is recommended by Angel and Joii..
We are both so excited to the movie, so we didnt even take a shower before we start to watch..
This movie is mainly talking about a fireman which has a marriage problem with his wife,
they are lack of communication, love, time, full of anger, agurement, tears and scream...
when they are deciding to divorce, The father gave him a book which included 40 days live changing.. The book is so sweet that every day is ended by an encouraging verse..
We kept crying after the middle part of the movie.. every part is so touching..
When the fireman said he was in..
When the fireman cried to his wife to ask forgiveness.
When the fireman ran to his mother and kept saying sorry..
so many scenes..
As I am not a married woman, maybe you may think most of the part are not related to me.
But for me, this movie is like I am watching an unbeliever, how he doubts God, and keep complaining about his life, and ONE DAY, he realized, he NEEDS GOD!
the BIG GOD that is keep loving him unconditionally.
I have learnt soso much from this movie.. totally blessed by that..