Liar

Liar.
I am such a Liar.
When can I stop it ya?
hate it..

Time to be mature.
Hold on to the Word.
so I won't fall.
again and again.

Hikkkkssss..
Can't even forgive myself..!><

what drives my life?

What drives my life?
Acceptance.

What is your passion?
Acceptance.




God, oh well, now I can only deal with you.
I always think that I am obeying all these times.
because I shut my mouth up.
well, it seems I am still doing wrong things.
I just can't handle it anymore.
Everything messed up.
God, you really need to DEAL with me in this way?
It is so hurt, but its all my faults.
and I can't hold this anymore.
can cry anytime anywhere in 3 seconds.
so dramatic, so jaye...

Where is my joy and passion?
Is my joy and passion all come from acceptance?
That's why when it is broken, my joy and passion disappear?
Oh no.. that's bad..

naive orders.

oh my god..
What a day.
it is just so fast and so true.

The time I turned on my cell phone and keep receiving sms.
Judgment comes.
Pressure comes.
Argument comes.
Serious comes.

People keep asking me for explanations.
well, really?
for wht?
hello there, i want to say sorry for blablablaablahhblahhh..
I cannot think anything for me to say sorry.
maybe I should just turn off my phone.

YES! I am super offensive!
I am super STUCK!
then? broke all the friendships?
okay~~ I get it, Just break it~
if it will really break, that's means our relationship is not friendship,
friendship shouldnt be broken like THIS!

your attitude let me feel you are the senior,
let me feel you know everything,
and everything you said is right,
but is it really right?
Am I really need to do what you say?
You care in this way... Dun you think that is just not HELPING?



Lord, whatever they are going to say about me..
please calm down my heart..
I cant hold this anymore..
I cant..
I can only rely on you...
Please show me what should I do..
I know that you will take kero and joii away..
I know that will happenn..
I totally and truly and fully knows what is happening now..

wondering

wondering around in apple shop.

alone

with my red mango yogurt.

such a peaceful moment.

no argument,

no judgement,

no expectation,

no serious,

when is the last time i turned my cell off,

and cut off with outside world?

i love this moment.

love to try my best to keep this peace.

thanks Lord.^^

im still a human, not a monster.

Im still a human.
what do ppl expect from me?
im still a human.
i have my own feeling.
im a human that i dun want ppl treat me like monster.
im a human that i dun want a close friend cant even understand my feeling.
im a human that i dun want to have any expectation from ppl.
im only a human.



you need my support? you need my understanding?
why you will need a monster's support?
why you will seek a monster's understanding?
why you will treasure our friendship?
everything are just WHAT YOU SAID, but not FROM YOUR HEART.
selfish thinking EVER!
so a monster dun need support? i never want to be the monster!
so a monster dun need understanding?? you never try to understand!
so a monster dun treasure our friendship? because you said you scared of SATAN!
and SATAN makes you scare of me!
if you treasure our friendship, you WONT cover your eyes
and dun ever DARE to take pictures with me!
YOU WILL BEAT THE SATAN if you treasure our friendship.


i really really want to find you, joiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.
but i know, baby natey is coming out soon.
and i dun want to disturb that happy and excited atmosphere.
maybe im just never suitable to be in that atmosphere.
really really miss you.
u are always my best comforter.
thankyou joii..
thankyou for always accepting who i was and who i m.


Jesus, if you are really Jesus,
why you dun stop these people to hurt me.
i can only seek you right now.
no one else i can find,
no other place i can go.


i have nothing left.

Rainy rAiny daY...

Such a Rainy day.. give me a lazy reason to sleep late..
Sometimes I really wonder why I am so easily tempted.
Hmm.. I still don't know why..
I think it is very normal..
at least I know I am easily tempted and I will avoid it..

Oh well.. Today is the day Joii need to see the doctor at 2:45..
really really hope that the baby is late,
so that we can pursue her mum to go to the retreat together..
huahuahuaa... such a devil thinking..
hmm,, better keep praying ya..

Finally, I lost 5 pounds this week!
my dear friends,, dun stop me for the diet..
I always need to on diet is because I always STOP the diet!
and I gained weight back!!
that makes me really need to keep on diet..
huahuuaaaaa..
Every morning when I woke up,
I need to do one very IMPORTANT thing..
which is rush to the toliet and see what is my weight today..
so that I can control my eating the whole day..
That number can light up my day,
or refuse all my friends' eating invitation..
huahuaa.. funny rite??

But there is one thing that I learnt from diet tho..
I can have a very strong passion at one moment..
but I seldom can keep a strong faith on the action..
which is my weakness..
BIGGEST WEAKNESS...
huahuaa,, maybe that's why I am fat,
and need to start realise why I cant always keep on diet..

this morning when I do my devo..
I got this..Romans1:17-

For in the gospel a righteousness from God is revealed, a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: "The righteous will live by faith."

wow....
I think I should write this down for keeping my diet!
huhuhuuuuu!!^^

Lunch timeee^^

Today I went to Joii's house with kero..
Joii's mum cooked a lot of food for us...
ayam goreng.. speical rice (i know inside hv lemon grass and fried onion..wht else?!)
hmm.. and gizzard with potatooesss.. and one more, the potato chipss gorengg..
chit chat with joii, nat2, kero and joii's mum..
love these girls' chat2 time.. always love to do that..
we talked about high school bully problemss.. moviess..
and the retreat..and pastor Rajan..( I am the only one among the girls that I never met him before)
everyone shared a lot of Ps. Rajan..
and there is one thing that really shocked me..
Ps. Rajan dun have any hobbies.. if you ask him what is his hobby..
He is going to say no hobbies..
and if you ask him what he usually do when he have time..
He will say when he has time, he prays.
He can even keep fasting and keep praying for people..
His prayer is always so powerful..
as His Holy Spirit is so stronggg...!!!

oh my godsshh.. don't know why somehow..
I got scared.. I got scared of his faith to God..
that is so powerful..
and even I didn't saw him yet..
I can sense very strongly that his relationship with God is super close..
I really want..>< but I still cant really give up the food and spare time....
I always prefer to watch youtube..play facebook.. or chatting with my girlfriends..
If I need to pray in a room alone? I think the longest time I did is 1 and a half hour..
and then I will got disattracted by other stuffs..
arduhh... I really want that kind of CLOSE relationship with God..
It seems that God and him are the best buddy with each other..
how ya? well.. i know how.. but i just can't give up...

mix is right.. If I need to commit something..
I need to give up something and put the effort in..
that's how it works..
mann.. can I focus on my keyboard??
well.. so hard..
everytime I got so emotional when I cannot understand and memorize the chords...
I really want to try my best.. but I just can't control my emotional..
Tonite.. I prayed before I practise the chords..
I prayed that God will give me strength to keep the faith for my first dream..
God just keep refilling me with His greatest Love..
It makes me cry.. keep crying...><
The love is so strong that I don't want to stop praising Him.
I don't want to give up my talent because I am lazy.
I don't want to give up the talent that God gives to me..
and I can use it to praise Him and worship Him...
With God, nothing is impossible..
Love it...>3<